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991007 The puzzle One morning this blonde calls her friend and says,"Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it." Her friend asks, "What is the puzzle of?" The blonde says, -"From the picture on the box, it's a tiger." The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles,so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box. He then turns to her and says, -"First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger." -"Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box." 990818 Tall Trees Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling. The birch says: "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" the woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in." 990818 Golf Couple Harold and Gertrude had been married for fifty years and played golf together every Saturday. One day while out on the course, Harold said to Gertrude, "Honey, there has been something bothering me all these years that I'd like to get off my chest before I die. You remember when we were first married and I had that pretty young secretary working for me? Well, I had an affair with her. But it was only one time, that was many years ago and I have been faithful to you ever since." Gertrude replied, "Harold, there is something bothering me which I need to tell you. Three years before I met you, I had a sex change operation." Harold was visibly shaken and could only reply, "Honey, how could you have never told me this? . . . and all these years you've been hitting from the ladies tees!!!" 990818 Lucky 13 A 13 year old boy comes home from school and his mom asks how his day was. He replies, '' I had sex with my teacher today." "Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes home.!!!!" says the mom. Awhile later when the father comes home and the mother says, " Go up to your sons room and talk to him. Hes been really bad today." Dad goes up to the sons room and asks why mom is so upset. " I told her that I had sex with my teacher today." replied the boy. "Alright ! Thats my boy!" says the dad." ya know son, women just dont think like men. But Im proud of you. What are you now, about 13, right? Wow.Thats my son!!!Ya know what? Im so proud of you that Im gonna take you out and buy you that new shiney bike youve been wanting!" So the son and his dad go out and buy the nicest , reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?" asks dad. The boy replied," Nah, my ass is still sore." 990715 Love story !! This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settle down, the man (not quite ready for slumber) leans over and whispers softly "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet". The wife takes the hint and says "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first". So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?" . No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor. Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch". 990507 Condoms A father and his young son went into a drug store to pick up a prescription. While there the little boy looked around and saw a large display for condoms. He looked at all the brightly colored packages, different types and quantities. The little boy went to his father and asked "Daddy, what are these?" The father said, "Well, they are for protection from diseases when a man and a woman make love." The little boy contemplated the concept for a few moments and then asked "Then why do these come in a package of three?" "Those are for young men in high school. One for Friday night, one for Saturday night and one for Sunday afternoon." "UH-HUH" said the little boy, "then why are these in packages of six?" "Those are for young men in college. There are two for Friday night, two for Saturday night and two for Sunday afternoon." "WOW" said the little boy in amazement. "Then why are these packaged a dozen at a time?" The father answered "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February..." 990423 One Albanian, two Serbs Two Serbs boarded a train from Belgrade to Sarajevo. One sat in a window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before departure an Albanian sat down next to them in the aisle seat. The Albanian took off his shoes and started reading the newspaper when one of the Serbs said, I think I'll get a coke. No problem said the Albanian I'll get it for you. While he was gone the Serb picked up the Albanian's shoe and spit in it. When the Albanian returned with the coke the other Serb said that looks good I think I'll get a coke also. Again the Albanian obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone the other Serb picked up the Albanian's other shoe and spit in it. The Albanian returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the ride. As the train was arriving the Albanian slipped his feet into his shoes and immediately knew what happened. -How long must this go on ? he asked, this animosity between our peoples... this hatred... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes? 990423 The Cowboy A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing." The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing." The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!" 990412 The Survivors A man, a pig, and a dog are the survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and find themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance! Well, that pig started looking better and better and pretty soon the guy rolled toward the pig and put his arm around it. The dog was not very happy with this and growled fiercely at the guy, until he removed his arm from the pig. They continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her and they slowly nursed her back to good health. When she was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, warm gentle breeze, perfect for romance, the four of them lying there. The guy started getting 'those' ideas again, so he leaned over toward the girl and said, "Um..would you mind taking the dog for a walk?" |
| 990412 The (drunk) driver One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy." |
| 990412 Pet Monkey A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!" |