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Only in Hell.......
One day a guy dies and finds himself in Hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first
meeting with a demon who says:
Why so glum, chum?
What do you think? I'm in Hell.....
Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of
fun down here. You a drinking man?
Sure, I love to drink.
Well, you're gonna
love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, Tequila, Guinness,
wine coolers, Diet Tab...... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.
Gee, that sounds great!
You a smoker?
You better believe it.
Allright, you're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigarrs from around the world and
smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer it's OK........ you're already dead.
Golly!
I bet you like to gamble?
Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Good,
because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even
opened up a pai-gow poker table.
Gosh, I never played pai-gow before.......
Well, you can now. You like to do drugs?
Yea, I love to do drugs. You
don't mean........
That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a giant bowl
of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if
you overdose it's OK....... you're already dead.
Neat! I never realized Hell was
such a swingin' place.
You gay?
Uh...? No.
Ooooooh (grimaces),
you're gonna hate Fridays.........
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A French story: (English with a French accent)
An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the
beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field.
Getting over his initial shock he said to himself
"Ah, young love.....ze springtime, ze air,
ze flowers......C'est magnifique!"
and continued to watch, remembering good times.
Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said,
"Mais......Sacre bleu! Ze woman - she is dead!"
and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.
He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted,
"Jean, Jean, zere is zis man, zis
woman.......naked in farmer Gaston's field making love."
The police chief smiled and said;
"Come, come, Henri, you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze springtime, ze air,
ze flowers? Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay."
-
"Mais non! Jean, you do not understand;
ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Jean leaped up from his seat, rushed out
of the station, jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and
pedaled all the way back non-stop to call the doctor:
"Pierre, Pierre, .....this is Jean. I was
in Gaston's field; zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex!"
To which Pierre replied,
"Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour!
Zis is very natural."
Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply,
"NON! you do not understand;
ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this Pierre exclaimed,
"Mon dieu!"
grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope and other tools; jumped
in his car, and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field. After carefully examining the participants
he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went
inside, smiled patiently and said,
"Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead;
she is Brittish."
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