Dear Robur

Q:Dear Robur,

I have a problem, in fact a big problem. Recently when I have been playing this wonderful game called Quake, I have experienced that I have only been able to frag people dressed in yellow.....

This is very frustrating and I'm wondering what a poor Cnaetophs boy is to do about all this, since it all gets so very boring in the long run, especially since these guys are too easy to frag and don't no how to play.......at all.

Do you know how I can get out of this disturbing habit??

Yours sincerly,

Genesis of the Cnaetophs Clan

A: Dear Genitals,

as you have already noticed, anyone can fry the Yellow Suckers. They are actually paid to play as lousy as possible - not that they are any good whatsoever, even when they try to play a decent game.

As they are really quite harmless, I suggest that you just ignore them and try to run your own race i.e. only frag non-yellows, ok? This is a hard thing to do as the buggers practically beg to be gibbed by a well-placed rocket - but you must resist the temptation, otherwise you'll be a yellow-fragoholic for life. I've been there too... but I received help from A.Y.F. (Anonymous Yellow Fragoholics) and yes, I am a Sober Yellow Fragoholic. Every game is a constant struggle between the urge to blast them where the sun doesn't shine and my more sensible side that says "Leeeeaave it, leeeeaave it!".

I wish you the best of luck (you'll need it bro) and hope that you will be well soon.

Yours truly,

Robur

Q:Dear Robur,

I'm having troubles playing quake. I'm such a friendly person and I really don't want to hurt anybody. But even though I try to talk to my quaker fellows who are playing with me at the time, that we should try to settle this in a peaceful and human matter they just ignore me and shoot rockets at me. It pissis me off, why cant we just sit down and have a chat without bloodshed? Where is humanity going?

A friendly soul

A: Dear Friendly soul person,

I can understand you. In fact I often experience the same problem myself. I always offer my fellow quakers a cup of coffee and some cookies, so that we all can sit down and just talk and have a good time. But do they say 'Thank you Robur, that would be nice.'? Yes, er... in fact they do... but then when I come in with the tray, all loaded with goodies and shout 'Come an' get it!' they all come running and blast me to pieces with their horrible rocketlaunchers...(sob)..I... (snif)... (BWAHAAAAAAA).... It's all so sad...(sob)...really gets to me... Anyway, now I've learnt a better way of doing things; save the coffee, cookies and nice words for nice people. It is a well-known fact that 99% of all quakers are complete bastards so don't waste any good things on them. Find a rocketlauncher, a load o' rockets and a brand new quad damage and blast the buggers to where all bad squirrels go (Norrköping of course).

Yours truly, Robur

I don't know if I really should speak with you, but I have a very, very serious problem, even worse than my brothers problem. Actually he's the problem because he's doing bad things with me and I don't know what I shall do about it. Ohhh.. not Dextre..... Ahhhhh...... Ihhhhh....... not theee keroseeeeeneeeeee. Ahhhhhhhhh..................Ouch

That wasn't anything, especially NOT my brother doing more experiments on me.

Forget everything I've said,it wasn't anything.

Azbahn

A: Dear Azbahn,

you ungrateful silly person! I would be happy if I had a brother who did experiments on me. You know that it is only a way for him to show you how much he cares for you. Probably he's planning to mutate you so that you can experience the joys of a third arm, a really big head or some other equally nice feature. I think that you should go and give him a big hug right now, and beg him never to stop his wonderful experiments... I mean, he can't make you any worse than you already are, right?

Yours truly, Robur

Lasse hereby want to confess something unexpected. When I was watching the tele I saw myself on the it. And discovered that my name wasn't Lasse as i have thought. My real name is actually Nasse (and i'm a little cute pig). Shocking isn't it!!

And about your advice about the methane sniffing, thank you so much. Me and my pals (Puh, Tiger, Rabbit and Ior) had a terrific methane sniffing party. I thought I was flying and Puh was flying for real.

Best regards from Nasse

A: Dear Nasse,

we have known that you're a pig for some time now. It's about time you came out of the closet. I know that it might be hard to accept the fact at first, but you'll feel a lot better about yourself in the long run. About those pals of yours... I don't feel too good about you hanging out with those hippie-animals... be careful, you don't wanna go catch some foreign disease in one way or another... Good thing though that you seem to have recovered from your methaneophobia.

Yours truly, Robur (OINK OINK, hehehe...sorry)

Q: Dear Robur

Robur, I have a very serius problem and don't know who i should speak with if you weren't here to read my problem. You see my mum wont let me play quake, she says it is to similar to the reality. But I don't want to hang around the cafe and beat up old ladies, it gets so bloody in the real life so I think that it's much better in the very peaceful game that quake is. OK i can admit that quake is a bit violent aswell but not as can be when my friend Johnny is with me. Dear robur what shall i do? You know i just want to play quake and have fun.

Hoping for answers

A: Dear hoper,

I can agree with your mum that Quake is a bit dangerous in the sense that you don't get all the fresh air that you need. In this aspect, quake can never replace the good ol' sport of beating up old ladies. I would suggest that you compromise a bit and go out and beat up at least one old woman per week. Make sure that she's really old though, or else she just might hit back. It's a dangerous hobby, so wear a helmet. In this way I think you as well as your mother will be pleased.

Yours truly, Robur

Q: Hello Robur

i am a boy who got 13 years on his shoulders.I am really worried about these clans.When i play quake i always get so scared when i see a clan member.Please help me!

A: Dear 13-year-old boy,

you shouldn't worry too much about clanfolks. They're only psychotic mass-murderers with frequent headaches who just can't wait to blast you to pieces with a well aimed rocket or hack you up to equally small pieces with their axes. And they're often very good players too, and often they have a clan brother or two with them...er... come to think of it... maybe you should be scared of the clans... yes, you probably should... but let me give you some good advice: everytime you feel scared, just whistle a happy tune, jump around for a while and pray to god that no clanfolks will find you.....

Yours truly, Robur

I just saw that methane clan on the list and i got really worried. Thats because I've heard that methane is a greenhouse gas and may cause a major rise in earths temperature leading us to Kevin Costners Waterworld. I'm sure that I don't wanna live in that sick world! Is there anything anyone can do to make the methane clan stop producing this terrible gas (it's also smelly I've heard) ? Please make them stop before it's too late.

Begging for help Lasse

A: Dear Lasse,

you shouldn't listen to silly rumours like that. I am sure that methane is as healthy as anything. Why, my uncle Babs always sniffed up a tank of methane in the afternoons. 'Puts hair on the chest' he used to say. Hahaha, uncle Babs. What a jolly nice person. So to get rid of your irrational feelings Lasse, I suggest that you too start to sniff some methane. Let's say one tank a week to begin with, and then you can gradually work your way up to uncle Babs' level. Hahaha, uncle Babs. What a jolly nice person. Besides, I don't think that Kevin's Waterworld is that bad. I've seen worse. Imagine having to live in one of Ingemar Bergman's movies. Now that's scary!

Yours truly, Robur.

Q:Why is it that I am a rocket jumping freak?? I know that its like fun to get to places that you couldnt get to by just jumping.....but i get this great feeling when the rocket blast´s propels me into the air....and onto a ledge that i couldnt normally reach.....is it just me, or do all quakers feel this joy???

SpaceGhost of Cnaetophs Clan

A: Dear SpaceGhost,

I think that your behaviour is completely normal for any whacking nutcase. I recommend that you keep your strait-jacket on for at least another month, ok? (I knew I shouldn't have talked them into letting you out of that asylum...)

Yours sincerely, Robur

Q: Dear Robur,

I have studied your Map of the Week page (E1M3) intensely for the last 48 hours. The page is very informative, yet I think that you have missed one little secret, it is not easy to find so I don't blame you. Wanna hear it? OK, here it comes: first of all you have to find the cleaning woman and buy her a cup of coffee. Then, if she's in a good mood she'll give you the key to the staff room, where all the other map-staff resides (you know, janitors, gun-technicians, the orchestra and so on...) and there you will find...OH NO, it's the cleaning woman again... don't let her near me, don't ..AAARRRGGHH....er...mom? Is that you...?

A: Dear Psycho person,

How did you get my phone number? Actually yer voice sounded a bit like Lasse, when he's really upset.

Lasse if it was you, my advice is; cut down a bit on your Quake-playing, and I don't think you should eat those mushrooms either. Not that many anyway...

Get well, Robur

Q:Dear Robur,

I know that the biosuit doesn't make me invulnerable, but everytime I put it on I get this strange feeling of comfort and warmth. Is it possible that the suit makes an exception and offers me protection because I believe in it, or am I just absolutely nuts?

Yours truly, Grymkäft of the Cnaetophs Clan

A:Dear Grymkäft,

Er...well...yes...have you...I mean...there are lots of other nice clans out there.

Yours sincerely, Robur