Historia nr. 2
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Det var en gubbe som var sjuk och doktorn gick in i hans rum och tittade till honom. När doktorn kom ut igen så frågade gubbens fru:
-Jo doktorn, har min man blivit bättre?
-Jadå. svarade doktorn, han har t.o.m börjat prata igen.
-Jasså, vad sa han då?
-Att han har blivit sämre.

Historia nr. 3
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En flicka står och kollar på en häst som kissar medan ägaren är inne i äfferen när ägaren kommer ut säger flickan nu kan inte hästen köra längre för all bensin runit ut.

Historia nr. 4
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- Vet du varför påven duchar med kalsongerna på?
- ?¿?¿
- Han vill inte se ner på en arbetslös!

Historia nr. 5
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En svensk och en norrman var grannar.
De hade länge kivat om vem som hade störst flaggstång.
Så en dag sade svensken att vi fäller ned stängerna så kan vi mäta dem.
Nej det går inte sa norrmannen de är höjden vi ska mäta inte längden.

Historia nr. 6
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Det var en norrman som gick till affären för ett köpa en motorsåg.
Försäljaren lovade att han skulla fälla 20 träd i timmen.
Norrmannen tyckte att det lät bra.Men efter några dager
kom norrmannen tillbakatill affären och klagade:
-Jag kan bara fälla 10 träd i timmen.
-Konstig, jag ska följa dig ut i skogen och pröva sade försäljaren:
Sagt och gjort, försäljaren statade motorsågen och började att fälla träd,
då norrmannen frågade:
-Vad är det som brummar?

Historia nr. 7
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-Två norrmän for till Sverge och köpte en fågelhund.
Tillbaka till Norge började de träna hunden.
Det gick inte så bra och den ene norrmannen sade:
-Nu har svenskarna lurat oss igen.
Vi slänger upp hunden i luften en gång till,
Flyger den inte då så åker vi tllbaka med hunden.

Historia nr. 8
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En liten flicka skulle gena hem över kyrkogården en natt. Hon var lite mörkrädd,och det skämdes hon för.Hon såg en äldre dam och gick fram till henne.
Damen sa:
- Är du rädd för spöken?
- Ja,svarade flickan skamset.
Det är inget att skämas för,rädd för spöken det var jag också när jag levde

Historia nr. 9
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A blonde goes into a world wide message center,
to send a message to her mother in Poland.

When the man tells her it will be $300,
she exclaims.."I don't have any money.. but I would do ANYTHING
to get a message to my mother in Poland !!!!

To that the man asks "Anything"??

And the blonde says "yes.. Anything"!!

With that, the man says "Follow me"..He walks into the next room and
tells her "Come in and close the door"..She does!!
He then says "Get on your knees"..She does!!..
He then says take down my zipper"..She does!!...
He then says "Go ahead... Take it out"
With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands!!
The man then says "Well.. Go ahead"!!...

She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her
lips..
She says "HELLO, MOM"????

Historia nr. 10
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Voodo dick
==========

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long
business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he
thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he
was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing
someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around.
He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to
another man for him.

He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to
please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the
counter. He explained his situation, the old man, "Well, I don't
really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating
dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything
that will keep her occupied for weeks, except!!!!" and he stopped.

Businessman, "Except what?"
The old man, "Nothing, nothing."
Businessman, "C'mon, tell me ! I need something!"
The old man, "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is
the 'voodoo dick.'"
Businessman, "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden
box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very
ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like
every other dildo in this shop!" The old man, "But you haven't seen
what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and
started screwing the keyhole.

The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down
the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo
dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to
the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

Businessman, "I'll take it!"
The old man resisted, saying "it wasn't for sale", but he finally
surrendered to $700 in cash.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and
that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He
left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was
gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny, she
thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then
she remembered the voodoo dick.

She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!"
The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great,
Like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she
decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck
in her, still thrusting.

She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had
forgot to tell her how to shut it off.

So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She
put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the
hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.

On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and
she was pulled over by a policeman.

He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking,
but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop
screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said:
"Yeah ... right .... voodoo dick, my ass!"

Historia nr. 11
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The New Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could
hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how
he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried
about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka
next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a
sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At
the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a
drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to
his office after mass, he found the following note on his
door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to
as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of
him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his
donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he
said,"Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not
say; "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary
with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not:
"Rub-A-dub-dub,thanks for the grub, yeah God!"

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at
St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Historia nr. 12
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Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they
were.

The first mouse slams a shot and says "I play with mouse traps
for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on
me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times."
And with that he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take
those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun
of it." And with that he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first
two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse
and ask, "Where the hell are you going?" The third mouse stops
and replies, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."

Historia nr. 13
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Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0
(marketing name: Fiancee1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to
Wife1.0 and it's a memory hogger, has taken all his space; and
Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't
ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and
BrotherInLaw.

Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0...

- A "Don't remind me again" button

- Minimize button

- Shutdown feature

- An installshield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely
uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)

- "Abort" button (O.K. that one's pretty bad - but had to say it)

I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they
tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall
Girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to
unstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another thing
that sucks -- in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally
"object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

***** BUG WARNING ********

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1
before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before
doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install,
claiming insufficient resources.

Historia nr. 14
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How to tell when you are spending too much time with your computer:

* You start introducing yourself as "lord at pacbell dot net"
* Your wife drapes a wig over your monitor to remind you of what she
looks like
* You check your mail. It says "no new messages". So you check it
again
* Your phone bill is delivered in a box
* You name your children Eudora, Mozilla, and Dotcom
* All of your friends have an @ in their names
* You tell the cab driver you live at
http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
* You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got
work to do" and you don't have a job
* You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape
3.01"
* You never have to deal with the busy signals because you never log
off
* You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in
front of your computer with a toilet
* You start tilting your head sideways whenever you smile :)
* Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage, so you
buy another computer and install another phone line so that the two
of you can chat
* As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your
first instinct is to search for the "back" button
* Your computer goes down, you haven't logged in for two hours. You
start to tremble. You pick up the phone and dial your Internet
access number. You try to mimic computer noise in order to
connect. You succeed.

Historia nr. 15
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There once was a brother and a sister, fraternal twins, who were
approaching their high school graduation. It was getting near prom
night and neither of them had a date for it. So one day, the girl
approaches her brother and says "Hey, you got a date for the prom
yet?"
He says "No, why? You got someone lined up for me?"
"You might say that. Why don't you take me to the prom?"

"Take you? You kidding? You're my sister!"

"Well, are you taking somebody else out?"
"You know I don't have a date, Sis."

"And neither do I. But we both want to go to the prom, don't we?"

Her brother nods. She continues, "So we should go with each other."

The brother can't see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he tells
his sister that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening,
he will take her to the prom.

Wednesday evening rolls around. Neither of the siblings has a date,
so the the brother tells his sister that he'll take her to the prom
on Friday.

At the prom, both of them have a good time. The brother is glad
that his sister talked him into taking her. Then, while he's
standing at the punch bowl, his sister comes up to him again.

"Hey, brother, let's dance."

He looks around to make sure that nobody heard her. "Look, Sis,
this is the Senior Prom, okay? I'm not going to dance with my own
sister at the prom, okay?"

"Don't be so shy. Look, Jimmy Elder is dancing with his cousin. So
why can't you dance with your sister?"
"Oh . . . all right."
So they dance, a slow number. The rest of the prom passes by and
after a while it's over and time to go. Both of them have had a good time.
In the car, with the brother at the wheel, the sister looks over at
him and says, "Let's not go straight home."

He gives her a curious look and says, "What are we going to do?"
"Oh, I don't know. Just drive around."
He agrees, and after they have driven around a while, out in the
country,she looks over at him again and says "Want to find some place to
park?"

"Hell," he says, "are you crazy? You're my sister, I'm not going
parking with you!"
"Who said anything about 'going parking'? Let's just pull over
somewhere and talk for a while, okay? It's been a busy year for both of us--
how long has it been since we've had a chance to talk to each other?"

So she finally talks her brother into pulling the car over on a
secluded back road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she looks
over at him again.
"Hey.."she says
"What?"says he.

"Why don't you kiss me?"

"You've been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that?
I'm not going to kiss you, you're my sister!" And he reached for the
ignition switch to start the car.
She reached out and took his hand. "I know I'm your sister. You've
mentioned that a lot lately. And you're my brother. And don't we
love each other? Why shouldn't we kiss if we feel like it?" She kissed
him on the cheek and he kissed her back. After a few minutes of
kissing,
she whispered in his ear, "Come on. Let's do it."

"Do what," said her brother, but he had a good idea of what his
sister had in mind.
"You know what," his sister replied.
"I can't do that with you, you're my . . . " His voice trailed off.
While he was on top of her, his sister murmured, "You know, you're a
lot lighter than Dad."
"I know," said her brother. "Mom told me."

Historia nr. 16
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A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses. The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks: 'Can your dog perform other tricks?'. 'But of course', the man answers, 'he can even gratify a woman'. Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed. The dog looks at her and does nothing, and the man then shouts to the dog, 'OK. Just
ONE more time, let me show you how it's done".